One Christmas, two months, one exam, four weeks of holiday and many amazing moments have passed since I last posted a post. And many quiet, arguably boring times too. Now, sitting in the quiet of my uni room, listening to ‘God Almighty’, I realise how unintentionally, I have moved away from that presence of my father in those times.
Partly, it was the holidays. Partly it was because I was feeling very burnt out by the end of my first term at university and things not entirely happening how I hoped they would. I hoped to feel/seem super-together with my life and faith. Instead, I often and relentlessly made mistakes, feeling foolish and hypocritical and moving away from the beautiful plan God has for me.
Partly, it was spending time with my utterly amazing family who I love with all of my heart, who are not Christians. They know me better than anyone; they see every ugly side of me and have constantly provided everything I need in my life. Emotionally, educationally, financially, they have been there for 19 years of my life. I know that they were a reason why I wanted to spend a whole year in Senegal: to prove to them that I am able to exist by myself with only God pouring out his goodness onto me. Nevertheless, as soon as I go home, words fail me. Their love for me, the goodness they give me, so often feels matched by what God has given me. I know that they know how to love because God first loved us, but try telling generous, beautiful, hard-working non-Christian family members that.
Prayers for them, and for me to always be Jesus’ light at home, is the best I can often do.
Yet, it is with my family that often my ugly side comes out and so I feel that I am not showing my best side. However, again, God’s message of our imperfections shines through!! He knows we are not perfect. We can only strive to be, and he knows we are going to fail a thousand times.
Nevertheless, this is why I have been distant from God. More than anything, this is a prayer to my Almighty Father. This is me coming back to you Lord. Forgive me for never being able to truly worship you in the way you deserve.
Right now, in the peace of my room (a peace I think I didn’t enjoy last term because I always felt guilty of not being out, doing stuff) a message from my church’s sermon about burning out from last Sunday has come back to me: You can’t work for God if you are not with God.
We all need to take a minute. Don’t feel guilty, talk to God, watch a boxset, listen to some worship without thinking about what you’ve got to do this next hour. Listen for God in the quietness of your heart and mind. We are not God. We are the weak humans who he loves eternally. He doesn’t need us, we are not special. So it’s okay to admit our failings, and be alone in our uni rooms, listening to worship music through headphones, drinking cups of tea and knowing (not doing anything) that our God loves us, just as we are.